Walls

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Walls! No. Not the ones you encounter daily. Walking down an alley and hitting a solid bricked dead end. Not the ones that surround the boundaries of your home. Not the ones you can physically see, touch and feel.

These reside inside. Hidden. Away from the eyes of the onlooker. The ones surrounding your inner self. Protecting the various circles of your being. Wherein each circle different people in your life reside. Each facing a wall restricting the access to the inner circle. They are built unconsciously. With instincts. And as life goes by, the more perils we face, the more broken expectations we encounter, the more setbacks we have, the stronger these walls get, the higher they rise. And this whole is an involuntary process without even our own knowing until someone knocks at your door, trying to help you out of your cave and you realize that you are blocked from inside out. Every way barred. Neither people can get in, nor you can get out.

“Lets weave a web of lies…
For all those who pass me by…
Let them watch from beyond…
My truths silently die…”

But the purpose of walls alludes my understanding at times. Why do we build walls around ourselves? To stop others from getting in or to stop ourselves from going out? Perhaps its both. But then at times life has different plans for you. No matter how many defenses you build. No matter how many doors you lock. No matter how many fences you put. Sometimes, someone out there somewhere is able to break through all your barriers and you can never know until they sit at the very center of the innermost circle of your soul and then you start feeling a change within. And then its from the inside that one by one the defenses start falling down and you feel unprotected, naked in the world. A strange feeling it is. You feel completed. No longer needing those barriers you put up. No longer putting up illusions to hide yourself. No longer pretending to be something you are not. No longer trying. Trying to fake yourself. Trying hard for your own self. Because after that its never about you any longer. Even your very existence isn’t about you. Its never the same then. Your emotions, your feelings, your truths, your lies, your struggles, nothing remains yours. Your life seems focused. Focused onto the very center of your soul. The point from where the light emits consuming your whole essence. Bathing it in a soothing calmness, a feeling of home, a sense of security. It changes your whole aura.

I seem to be getting out of words to describe it. I haven’t even done justice to it. But perhaps its more of how you feel it than how you cast it down in words. Its how you start viewing everything differently.

My Soul

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A bird fluttered inside of me
Wanting for its prison to cease to be
Tortured by the deeds of its worldly master
It yearned for his time of death faster


As I peeked inside of me I saw it
My soul struggling to free itself out of the pit
The blackness inside me I found so consuming
Amazed at how my soul was bearing


The bodily cage had become a hell for it
All I did was kill it bit by bit
My actions made it cry
But gradually my heart had become wisp and dry


I was so indulged in the worldly wealth
Not caring about my soul’s eternal health
Day by day making it worst
Making it feel it had been cursed


Its destiny depended all on me
I was taking it to hell but I didn’t see
All my life was spent in ignorance
Now all of it was making a complete sense


I had done nothing for a life of eternal bliss
All those chances of doing good I had missed
But now it was too late to realize
My life was a living hell in disguise


O my captor, cried out my soul
So cruel, you deprived me of my goal
Why did the Creator sent me to you
Tear and torment me is all you do


I was sent as a being so pure
But you poisoned me beyond all cure
I looked back through my past
Now that the wrinkles were coming fast


Not one good I found in my life
All spent in the soul and body strife
I now realized it wanted to take me to heaven
And all I did was take it to hell

O Radiant One

I stare in awe at the radiant speck in the distance
Shining like a full bright moon, emitting its milky light
I reach out to touch it, locked in a tranceangel-of-light
But an invisible wall blocks me, repels me
I try my luck time and again
But alas! All of it goes to vain


My eyes are filled with yearning
My heart has started bleeding
Why is reality so hurting
Couldn’t it be just like I wanted
I realised there were too many hindrances
Life doesn’t always give what one wishes



I want to return to my world of dreams
Where I am king of my realities
I want to retreat to an eternal sleep
Where the harshnesses wont disturb me
I want to dissolve in the sands of time
Where the storms of life wont engulf me


People say this race you will lose
Cause too many are after what you pursue
No matter how much you try
You will never make your own that light so high
I ask do they have what I possess
This burning, beating thing inside my chest



O Radiant One! I can no longer hold
These walls are making me bold
I want to raze them to ground
So at last you might be found
Time is not on my side
Save me, Save me I am gonna die

Familiar Strangers in our midst

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You are walking down the lane with your head held low. And suddenly you look up and see a pair of eyes staring at you. And you get lost in the depth of those deep black wells. You see yourself falling down a familiar hole. Like you know every crevice and crack in it. You know every bulge and depression of the walls. You know how deep the well is and how wide it is. You know every inch of it.

You know that person so well that just a look on their face and you know what they are feeling. You can understand their silence. You listen what they don’t say. You understand what they don’t convey. You delve down the memory lane. A stream of black and white images loop before your eyes. Moments. Happy ones, sad ones, laughter, tears, the hourly talks, the long walks, the fights and the reunites. You see life. Life as it “was”.

Suddenly the person standing next to you waves his hand in front of your eyes.

“Hey im talking to you. Where are you lost?”

And the stream ends. You pop out of the dark well like a vacuum pulling you out. And as you walk out you start to see that everything about that well has changed. The familiarity gone. The place alien to you. Everything’s different. You are wrenched back to reality.

You look again. And you realise that the entrance to the well is actually barred. Huge walls stand erect. The eyes seem empty to you. An air of strangeness hangs. You try to feel a felling that you cannot feel. The feeling of being close. Its like you go back to an old house where you had once lived and you realise suddenly that you have lost its key. There’s no way in. You stand outside wondering what has changed inside. You try to look through the windows and under the doors and all you see is a darkness that you cannot pierce.

And then they pass you by without a glint of recognition. You refuse to look back for the fear you might lose yourself in places you know nothing about anymore.

Familiar Strangers in our midst. Yes! They exist. Strangers we once knew. Strangers we once were close to. You go from being strangers to someone you know, to being friends and to being closest friends. And then time takes it’s toll. The reverse starts. From closest friends to strangers the journey begins. Slow, painful and torturous. And it all leaves you thinking. Leaves you wondering with one question. How can someone whom you know more than they know themselves and they know you more than you know yourself, become total strangers?

The world is strange
A place so eerie
You walk by places
You once knew so dearly

 

Familiar faces hide behind masks
The masks of complete strangers
Eyes shut and mouths stitched
A darkness heavily pitched

 

The sands of time fall by
As autumns and springs come and go
You realise a lot you have missed
For their lie familiar strangers in our midst

The silence before a storm

 

193I sit here, staring at the blank page. Waiting for the thoughts to come pouring out. Waiting to blacken the the whiteness of the page with the darkness of my life. But my silence blocks me. My hands betray me. My thoughts leave me. How can i make the river flow after holding it back for what seems like ages? I feel like I’ve lost the ability to speak. Like I’ve forgotten how to express. There’s nothing but a shroud of a ravaging silence that surrounds my being. But they say there’s a silence before a great storm. The world seems at peace before it breaks into a turmoil. Maybe this is what I feel right now. A volcano brewing up inside. A volcano of words. A lava of emotions. Ready to burst out any time.

Throughout your whole life you keep on piling your feelings, your emotions, your sorrows, your moments of happiness, your moments of bliss. You take everything and dump them inside the big black box that dwells deep down your being. You have words that need to be spoken, yet words that are unheard. Feelings you want to feel, yet you don’t know how. Emotions you want to let out, yet no one to cup their hands and hold the flowing river. And as time passes by you put up walls on the outside. Masks on your face. Veils on your being. You appear strong as a stone on the outside, yet inside, slowly you crumble and fall. The poison inside the black box silently seeps out. Coursing through your veins paralysing your ability to feel any more. And all because of a silence that couldn’t be broken. All because of words that couldn’t be said.

My tale goes on. As life goes on. This cave suffocates me now. The darkness haunts me. Im living on the outside. But inside, the me is dying. Slowly, Silently it withers away. It just fades away.

“Will i fade away
Like a flame burnt out?
I am, but a shadow of myself
A memory that long blacked out
 
The bridge is destroyed
The rubble nowhere to be found
Like a song that ends
Ill fade away, into the background”