Come back home

It’s been long since I saw you last
In the mist, your fading laugh
The echoes of the melodies you sung
Deep into my my ears they rung
The voice of regret over what I had done

I stood and watched you go
A broken trust, an empty vow
I wished you’d turn and glance
Melt my cold heart and my stern stance
I longed for a last look, that never came

Here I sit deep within my shadows
Trying to look past this looming darkness
Thinking how well you fared
Out in the world, being loved and cared
Or was it an illusion, of my fading vision?

I hate this silence, I hate the quiet
You left behind this great void
Why create the space you never intended to fill?
To pierce these walls, destroy and leave
All along was that your will?

I leave the door open each night
In hopes you’d come by and see this sight
Of a heart fighting it’s battles
To live, to hope and never lose its light
Come home, with you, these halls were so bright

The long silence breaks…

I’ve been away for a long while. Away from writing. Away from the world. Not physically ofcourse. Sometimes you need to take a step back from the world to figure out what lies in your own deep silence. The words you never utter. The feelings you never feel. Sometimes its not the silence of the voice that you need to break but the silence of your own soul that has been neglected for long. What i learned of it? That is a story for another time.

I was skimming through my blog a few moments back and started thinking why i specifically chose “silence” as the word to express. The reason lies in my past. A past that we all share. A past of shutting ourselves out, clamping down our voices living in a fear. Silence rules us all even if we don’t realize it. Let me show you how.

When i say i’m a silent person what comes to your mind? That I don’t speak much? That I don’t voice my thoughts? You’re right. But partially. Silence is not only of words, but of action, of the will to do what must be done, of the will to overcome your fears and take the leap of faith. I think but I do not act. That’s why I’m silent. I say but my actions do not back what I say. That’s why I’m silent. I feel emotions but i clamp them down. That’s why I’m silent. I’m walking down the road in a hurry to get to my office and I see a man slip and fall. I think I must help him. But I keep walking because I’m in a hurry. I stayed silent. I walk into my office. My colleague asked me to help him with a problem. I tell him I’m busy but i surely will later on. I didn’t. I stayed silent. My boss comes up to me and tells me he’ll give me a bonus if I do a work of his that’s illegal. I feel it’s wrong on a multitude of levels. But regardless I do his work. I want money. But I stayed silent. Again. So you see, silence rules us in all walks of our life. In the feelings we feel, the words we utter, the actions we do.

Silence is not only of the outer voice but of the inner voice too that keeps on nagging us all our lives. How many times in life have you suffered losses because you ignored that tiny voice in your subconscious whispering to you “Hey I don’t think this is right” or “Hey lets do it this way”. We shut it out. Dismissing it as our fears. Or the voice of naivete. We trust in the voice of reason so much that we silence our voice of belief. Beliefs and faith they are a strong force. Only if we learned how to put our trust in them.

And that is how my journey started. A journey to end the silences of my life. Bit by bit. I started off with listening to what my subconscious said instead of ignoring it. I firmly believe our hearts never lead us astray. Then i went on ending the silence of my feelings, my emotions. The reason i started writing.  After that i moved on towards ending the silence of my words. That’s hard. Still working on it. But the hardest part is ending the silence of your soul. This is a long journey. A very long one.

Before we move on to exploring the realms that each person hides within themselves I believe we must first explore ours. Break our barriers, extend the limits that bind us and end our silences. Only then, can we hope to fully understand other people in our lives.

The answer to our questions, lies within our own silence.

Just break it!

Familiar Strangers in our midst

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You are walking down the lane with your head held low. And suddenly you look up and see a pair of eyes staring at you. And you get lost in the depth of those deep black wells. You see yourself falling down a familiar hole. Like you know every crevice and crack in it. You know every bulge and depression of the walls. You know how deep the well is and how wide it is. You know every inch of it.

You know that person so well that just a look on their face and you know what they are feeling. You can understand their silence. You listen what they don’t say. You understand what they don’t convey. You delve down the memory lane. A stream of black and white images loop before your eyes. Moments. Happy ones, sad ones, laughter, tears, the hourly talks, the long walks, the fights and the reunites. You see life. Life as it “was”.

Suddenly the person standing next to you waves his hand in front of your eyes.

“Hey im talking to you. Where are you lost?”

And the stream ends. You pop out of the dark well like a vacuum pulling you out. And as you walk out you start to see that everything about that well has changed. The familiarity gone. The place alien to you. Everything’s different. You are wrenched back to reality.

You look again. And you realise that the entrance to the well is actually barred. Huge walls stand erect. The eyes seem empty to you. An air of strangeness hangs. You try to feel a felling that you cannot feel. The feeling of being close. Its like you go back to an old house where you had once lived and you realise suddenly that you have lost its key. There’s no way in. You stand outside wondering what has changed inside. You try to look through the windows and under the doors and all you see is a darkness that you cannot pierce.

And then they pass you by without a glint of recognition. You refuse to look back for the fear you might lose yourself in places you know nothing about anymore.

Familiar Strangers in our midst. Yes! They exist. Strangers we once knew. Strangers we once were close to. You go from being strangers to someone you know, to being friends and to being closest friends. And then time takes it’s toll. The reverse starts. From closest friends to strangers the journey begins. Slow, painful and torturous. And it all leaves you thinking. Leaves you wondering with one question. How can someone whom you know more than they know themselves and they know you more than you know yourself, become total strangers?

The world is strange
A place so eerie
You walk by places
You once knew so dearly

 

Familiar faces hide behind masks
The masks of complete strangers
Eyes shut and mouths stitched
A darkness heavily pitched

 

The sands of time fall by
As autumns and springs come and go
You realise a lot you have missed
For their lie familiar strangers in our midst

Fire and Ashes

imagesMy hands quiver. My pen wavers. My thoughts uncertain. I feel empty once again. Lost and empty. My insides feel on fire. Crumbling all in its path and moving on to the outside. i want it to burn. Burn what lies outside. Burn all that lives around me. And perhaps in the dark black center of the burning flame, in the wake of destruction it leaves behind, in the screaming of my burning soul, in the smell of my burning flesh, in the ecstasy of the agony it gives, in the beauty of the phoenix of the red fire, ill find my peace. My eternal peace.

Peace? After all these years i dont even know what that means. The sound alien to me. The meaning lost. I look at the candle burning. Its flame still. Wavering, but holding. Was that peace? The yellow giving way to orange. The orange turning to red. And finally the red being consumed by the black. The sheer beauty of it leaves me in awe. The calmness it radiates. But perhaps i was seeing it wrong. The colors. The flame. Peace wasn’t the yellowness turning into a dark blackness. It was the darkness being pierced by the coloured lights. And perhaps thats what i needed in life. A change of perspective.

My fingers inch forward .Trying to grab it. I couldn’t get it. Why not grab it? Yikes. It burns. What is this searing pain i feel shooting through my fingertips going all the way up? I thought I was numb. How can I feel this pain now? Why do I? All i want is peace for myself. It isnt too much to ask for. But then again its one of the tragedies of life. Things lie just before u. Out their to be held, to be taken. But an invisible barrier bars ur way. Always. U reach out and the forcefield drives your hand back. You stagger. You fall. Yet you rise and hold out your hand again. And the endless cycle goes on. The cycle of life.

Theres a deep silence inside me
The silence of void deep within
I hoped for a hope that never came by
For a dream that i never dreamt
The bearings of a great storm
A red lining on the horizon
Dark clouds rising above
A ditch dug down below
I long for a peace
The peace for a broken mind
These shattered edges of the mirror
A torture i want to leave behind
It sticks like a leech
Sucking my life bit by bit
Until none is left therein
A smoking candle that once lit
I call for a saviour
To reignite the diminishing flame
But who dare answer
For this is but just a life’s game
I hold onto my mere hopes
Like a drowning person to burning ships
For its just a matter of time
When all will be fire and ashes

The silence before a storm

 

193I sit here, staring at the blank page. Waiting for the thoughts to come pouring out. Waiting to blacken the the whiteness of the page with the darkness of my life. But my silence blocks me. My hands betray me. My thoughts leave me. How can i make the river flow after holding it back for what seems like ages? I feel like I’ve lost the ability to speak. Like I’ve forgotten how to express. There’s nothing but a shroud of a ravaging silence that surrounds my being. But they say there’s a silence before a great storm. The world seems at peace before it breaks into a turmoil. Maybe this is what I feel right now. A volcano brewing up inside. A volcano of words. A lava of emotions. Ready to burst out any time.

Throughout your whole life you keep on piling your feelings, your emotions, your sorrows, your moments of happiness, your moments of bliss. You take everything and dump them inside the big black box that dwells deep down your being. You have words that need to be spoken, yet words that are unheard. Feelings you want to feel, yet you don’t know how. Emotions you want to let out, yet no one to cup their hands and hold the flowing river. And as time passes by you put up walls on the outside. Masks on your face. Veils on your being. You appear strong as a stone on the outside, yet inside, slowly you crumble and fall. The poison inside the black box silently seeps out. Coursing through your veins paralysing your ability to feel any more. And all because of a silence that couldn’t be broken. All because of words that couldn’t be said.

My tale goes on. As life goes on. This cave suffocates me now. The darkness haunts me. Im living on the outside. But inside, the me is dying. Slowly, Silently it withers away. It just fades away.

“Will i fade away
Like a flame burnt out?
I am, but a shadow of myself
A memory that long blacked out
 
The bridge is destroyed
The rubble nowhere to be found
Like a song that ends
Ill fade away, into the background”