The long silence breaks…

I’ve been away for a long while. Away from writing. Away from the world. Not physically ofcourse. Sometimes you need to take a step back from the world to figure out what lies in your own deep silence. The words you never utter. The feelings you never feel. Sometimes its not the silence of the voice that you need to break but the silence of your own soul that has been neglected for long. What i learned of it? That is a story for another time.

I was skimming through my blog a few moments back and started thinking why i specifically chose “silence” as the word to express. The reason lies in my past. A past that we all share. A past of shutting ourselves out, clamping down our voices living in a fear. Silence rules us all even if we don’t realize it. Let me show you how.

When i say i’m a silent person what comes to your mind? That I don’t speak much? That I don’t voice my thoughts? You’re right. But partially. Silence is not only of words, but of action, of the will to do what must be done, of the will to overcome your fears and take the leap of faith. I think but I do not act. That’s why I’m silent. I say but my actions do not back what I say. That’s why I’m silent. I feel emotions but i clamp them down. That’s why I’m silent. I’m walking down the road in a hurry to get to my office and I see a man slip and fall. I think I must help him. But I keep walking because I’m in a hurry. I stayed silent. I walk into my office. My colleague asked me to help him with a problem. I tell him I’m busy but i surely will later on. I didn’t. I stayed silent. My boss comes up to me and tells me he’ll give me a bonus if I do a work of his that’s illegal. I feel it’s wrong on a multitude of levels. But regardless I do his work. I want money. But I stayed silent. Again. So you see, silence rules us in all walks of our life. In the feelings we feel, the words we utter, the actions we do.

Silence is not only of the outer voice but of the inner voice too that keeps on nagging us all our lives. How many times in life have you suffered losses because you ignored that tiny voice in your subconscious whispering to you “Hey I don’t think this is right” or “Hey lets do it this way”. We shut it out. Dismissing it as our fears. Or the voice of naivete. We trust in the voice of reason so much that we silence our voice of belief. Beliefs and faith they are a strong force. Only if we learned how to put our trust in them.

And that is how my journey started. A journey to end the silences of my life. Bit by bit. I started off with listening to what my subconscious said instead of ignoring it. I firmly believe our hearts never lead us astray. Then i went on ending the silence of my feelings, my emotions. The reason i started writing.  After that i moved on towards ending the silence of my words. That’s hard. Still working on it. But the hardest part is ending the silence of your soul. This is a long journey. A very long one.

Before we move on to exploring the realms that each person hides within themselves I believe we must first explore ours. Break our barriers, extend the limits that bind us and end our silences. Only then, can we hope to fully understand other people in our lives.

The answer to our questions, lies within our own silence.

Just break it!

The dark side of love

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There’s a white mist all around me. I cannot see an inch further. I stumble and hold out my hands to catch my fall. I shout but no voice comes out. I listen but no sound wavers. I look but no vision flickers. I can feel a tight knot in my throat. A throbbing in my chest. A heaviness in my head. Fear? No this wasn’t it. I look back trying to find the path I had come from but there’s only the whiteness of the void waiting for me. They say it’s the dark that makes you blind. Today, I had experienced otherwise.

With my head held high,
with my hopes on the fly,
I inch forward,
with noone to guide me by

I wish I knew
Of my impending doom
Down I went
With a shattering boom

Into the deep hole I fell
Down the never ending ditch
Little did i know I had fallen
Down the dark side of love.

The dark side of love? How could something so bright, so hopeful, so white have a dark side? It wasn’t hatred. No. It wasn’t a darkness. But it was like a burning candle. A bright light that falls on your face. But as you try to grab it, it burns. It burns the very flesh of your body. The searing pain going all the way to your heart. Making you feel like a thousand bolts of electricity are coursing through your veins instead of blood. The pain isn’t constant. Neither is it temporary. But it comes in jolts. After several moments. One moment you feel vacant, empty, emotionless. The other you feel like a vacuum consuming you from inside. A black hole at the very centre of your existence.

It’s painful to feel so immensely about something yet unable to get to it. It’s like a door. The closer you get. The farther it goes. Love isn’t supposed to hurt. It isn’t supposed to open up wounds. It isn’t supposed to slash and burn. Yeah it doesn’t. But the dark side of love does.

Down there deep in the ditch I lay. Looking at the tiny light high above me. Beckoning me. Calling me. But I cannot get out.

Life’s like this. There are times when you fall in love either with the wrong person or with someone you cannot spend your life with. And then you fall down this ditch unable to get out on your own. You wait for someone to pull you out. But who really cares. People walk by. Looking down on you and move ahead. The waiting clock ticks from days to months to even years. And all you can do is wait for a saviour that may never come. Sitting there silently as you soul slowly crumbles to dust. As your being soundlessly shatters to nothingness.

O Radiant One

I stare in awe at the radiant speck in the distance
Shining like a full bright moon, emitting its milky light
I reach out to touch it, locked in a tranceangel-of-light
But an invisible wall blocks me, repels me
I try my luck time and again
But alas! All of it goes to vain


My eyes are filled with yearning
My heart has started bleeding
Why is reality so hurting
Couldn’t it be just like I wanted
I realised there were too many hindrances
Life doesn’t always give what one wishes



I want to return to my world of dreams
Where I am king of my realities
I want to retreat to an eternal sleep
Where the harshnesses wont disturb me
I want to dissolve in the sands of time
Where the storms of life wont engulf me


People say this race you will lose
Cause too many are after what you pursue
No matter how much you try
You will never make your own that light so high
I ask do they have what I possess
This burning, beating thing inside my chest



O Radiant One! I can no longer hold
These walls are making me bold
I want to raze them to ground
So at last you might be found
Time is not on my side
Save me, Save me I am gonna die

The silence before a storm

 

193I sit here, staring at the blank page. Waiting for the thoughts to come pouring out. Waiting to blacken the the whiteness of the page with the darkness of my life. But my silence blocks me. My hands betray me. My thoughts leave me. How can i make the river flow after holding it back for what seems like ages? I feel like I’ve lost the ability to speak. Like I’ve forgotten how to express. There’s nothing but a shroud of a ravaging silence that surrounds my being. But they say there’s a silence before a great storm. The world seems at peace before it breaks into a turmoil. Maybe this is what I feel right now. A volcano brewing up inside. A volcano of words. A lava of emotions. Ready to burst out any time.

Throughout your whole life you keep on piling your feelings, your emotions, your sorrows, your moments of happiness, your moments of bliss. You take everything and dump them inside the big black box that dwells deep down your being. You have words that need to be spoken, yet words that are unheard. Feelings you want to feel, yet you don’t know how. Emotions you want to let out, yet no one to cup their hands and hold the flowing river. And as time passes by you put up walls on the outside. Masks on your face. Veils on your being. You appear strong as a stone on the outside, yet inside, slowly you crumble and fall. The poison inside the black box silently seeps out. Coursing through your veins paralysing your ability to feel any more. And all because of a silence that couldn’t be broken. All because of words that couldn’t be said.

My tale goes on. As life goes on. This cave suffocates me now. The darkness haunts me. Im living on the outside. But inside, the me is dying. Slowly, Silently it withers away. It just fades away.

“Will i fade away
Like a flame burnt out?
I am, but a shadow of myself
A memory that long blacked out
 
The bridge is destroyed
The rubble nowhere to be found
Like a song that ends
Ill fade away, into the background”