Here Is How I Want To Fall In Love With You

Thought Catalog

West McGowanWest McGowan

I want to say the wrong thing. I want to slip up over drinks on our second date and admit something I didn’t want to tell you so soon and have you tilt your glass in ceremonious cheers to over-indulgence. I am a person who will always give too much, tell too much, feel too much and if that is not the kind of person you can love then I will never be the woman for you. I want to laugh over the kind of intimacies we’re not meant to share until we’re infinitely more comfortable or sure and I want that to be our own measure of comfort – our own measure of what it’s okay to be around each other.

I want to take you home too soon. I want to be too enthralled by your mind, by your body, by the heartbeat thrumming underneath your…

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Do you know?

Do you know how she was like? A beautiful mess. A thunderous chaos. Where each time you went you felt lost. She was the home that you longed. Out in the cruel world where you never belonged. She was fragile. But she was strong. For those she cared for long. She smiled as if No calamity had touched her. yet when you looked deep into her eyes. You saw her soul slowly die. She stood straight and erect outside. yet she silently crumbled on the inside. She battled her demons alone. Her angels long since gone.

Let me tell you about her. The shimmering light that she once were.Darkened by the grieves. Shadowed by a depressing commotion. She lost, yet she kept the motion.She was the truth that you always lied about. The answer to your lofty doubts. She was the warmth to your coldness. And The cure to your prolonged illness. With lost words and hands that betrayed. I saw her run as the winds raged. I wanted to stop her. To make her stay. Yet I stood still as she moved away. Taking away my hopes my dreams. She dissolved into the diminishing light beams.

Down the moonlit road, she strode


Down the moonlit road, she strode
All farewells long since bode
She was broken, she was incomplete
Her demons abundant, her angels deplete
Down the moonlit road, she strode

She knew not her destiny
Just that, far away she wanted to be
From the cages she had left behind
The chains and ropes that bind
Down the moonlit road, she strode

Looming walls barred her way
As she inched forward day by day
She couldn’t  touch them, couldn’t see them outside
For they were the ones, she had built inside
Down the moonlit road, she strode

People had walked over her, crushed her under
Her feelings killed, her emotions plundered
Was that all she was born for?
To be kept inside a locked door?
Down the moonlit road, she strode

Take away my sanity, give me my freedom
Her thought single, her goal one
She was tired, yet she willed to move on
To find her angels, that had long since gone
Down the moonlit road, she strode

She hoped for a hope, of dreams she had dreamt
A wide open prairie, over it the sun bent
On a white horse, she ran and rode
Down the moonlit road, she strode
Towards her freedom and her chain-less abode

Happy Valentine’s Day


It all started that one day
When you suddenly crossed my way
Leaving behind a trail of your rosy smell
Which rung inside my head, a bell
I lost my senses, engrossed in you
That was the day my heart was stolen too

I waited everyday for you to pass by
Hoping to get the courage to say Hi
But my tongue locked itself every time
My throat felt like it had swallowed lime
My hands went all sweaty
Although the matter was rather petty

I don’t remember when we first talked
Just that alongside me you walked
The laughs that day you gave me
Were all I ever wanted to hear and see
That moment my happiness knew no bounds
As if my missing part had been found

Time flew by, the days seemed so few
With each moment our feeling for each other grew
It was like we were meant to be one
And without you that could never be done
Fate and destiny played their respective parts
Helping us in joining our two hearts

Many things passed between us unsaid
An invisible bond formed in our head
I still remember the first time, we dated
Those clumsy waiters you really hated
All that I cared that day
Was you and me would never be parted away

I want to pore out my heart for you
But time does not allow me to do
I am dying to tell how much I love
Perhaps I should give that task to a dove
For now all I want to say
Wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day

Remember the day

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Fireside Chat.”


Remember the day we sat
By the fireside we had a chat
We watched the embers slowly burning
Our fingers entwined with a yearning
Remember, remember the day we sat
It seemed the universe had gone silent
With the melody of your voice, wherever it went
I remember the song you sung
Like the chiming Christmas bells it rung
Remember, remember the day we sat
I never wanted the night to end
Wish we had more time to spend
How could i have known it all
That time would take its deadly toll
Remember, remember the day we sat
I counted the Decembers and they were three
By my side, when will you be?
Off you ran wild and free
Never cared what happened to me
Remember, remember the day we sat
Remember the long walks we had
The stupid fights that made us mad
Remember the jokes we made
Scattered, lost down the memory lane
Remember, remember the day we sat

Broken Heart


As I walked past the empty bench
Cold, Black eyes made me wrench
I turned back and our gazes met
Producing a strife of thunder that went
Leaving me thinking, alone at the junction
What had i done to deserve this attention

It was time to think back and meditate
Realize what mistakes in life I had made
That had made her heart, so cold and fierce
Given her the eyes that hurt and pierce
Why was I treated by her as a dime
Making me realize I was wrong all the time

I was ready to accept my mistakes and apologize
But she was never in a mood to socialize
How could I tell her my heart so ached
Wanting myself to die for her sake
That look which lingered on in her eyes
Made me reason it was too late to apologize

So many things I wanted to tell her
The misunderstandings, where they were
Just one chance, that was all my heart begged
Tell her my thoughts so I could clear up my head
My courage betrayed me every time I tried
To go and walk by her side

Why was life so difficult for me
What was, that it wanted me to be
Was I such an unimportant person
When was last, I gained their attention
How could people be so heartless
Why couldn’t they see I was in such a mess

There was nothing left I could do
Absolutely no one I could turn to
So I sat there on the lonely stone
All my feelings had long gone
Life was full of dirty art
It always ended with a Broken Heart

A tribute to Pak Army


As the black curtains of night descended
Everywhere an everlasting silence hung
Dark silhouettes crept the thorny path
Their soul body and mind targeted for one task
Crush those that posed a threat to their motherland

With the power of faith enlightening their hearts
Guns, arms and ammo did not matter
As long as with their souls they were ready to part
What lead them towards their death so courageously
Was the love of their own country

Cries of Allah o Akbar tore the stillness of night
Fire emblazoned everything in sight
The enemy ran in confusion
Brave green men breaking their rank and file
Their woes were heard even over a mile

Many fell, some with dignity, some not
With or without weapons the Pak lions fought
The jackals scurried away not able to bear the wrath
Leaving behind whatever they possessed
A victory ensured for the conquerors

Let’s join hands and salute them
Those who are awake when we sleep
Their eagle eyes unflinching, undaunted
Ready to defend the land they stood on
Let’s pray for the Pak army, those who live and those who are gone



Walls! No. Not the ones you encounter daily. Walking down an alley and hitting a solid bricked dead end. Not the ones that surround the boundaries of your home. Not the ones you can physically see, touch and feel.

These reside inside. Hidden. Away from the eyes of the onlooker. The ones surrounding your inner self. Protecting the various circles of your being. Wherein each circle different people in your life reside. Each facing a wall restricting the access to the inner circle. They are built unconsciously. With instincts. And as life goes by, the more perils we face, the more broken expectations we encounter, the more setbacks we have, the stronger these walls get, the higher they rise. And this whole is an involuntary process without even our own knowing until someone knocks at your door, trying to help you out of your cave and you realize that you are blocked from inside out. Every way barred. Neither people can get in, nor you can get out.

“Lets weave a web of lies…
For all those who pass me by…
Let them watch from beyond…
My truths silently die…”

But the purpose of walls alludes my understanding at times. Why do we build walls around ourselves? To stop others from getting in or to stop ourselves from going out? Perhaps its both. But then at times life has different plans for you. No matter how many defenses you build. No matter how many doors you lock. No matter how many fences you put. Sometimes, someone out there somewhere is able to break through all your barriers and you can never know until they sit at the very center of the innermost circle of your soul and then you start feeling a change within. And then its from the inside that one by one the defenses start falling down and you feel unprotected, naked in the world. A strange feeling it is. You feel completed. No longer needing those barriers you put up. No longer putting up illusions to hide yourself. No longer pretending to be something you are not. No longer trying. Trying to fake yourself. Trying hard for your own self. Because after that its never about you any longer. Even your very existence isn’t about you. Its never the same then. Your emotions, your feelings, your truths, your lies, your struggles, nothing remains yours. Your life seems focused. Focused onto the very center of your soul. The point from where the light emits consuming your whole essence. Bathing it in a soothing calmness, a feeling of home, a sense of security. It changes your whole aura.

I seem to be getting out of words to describe it. I haven’t even done justice to it. But perhaps its more of how you feel it than how you cast it down in words. Its how you start viewing everything differently.

The dark side of love


There’s a white mist all around me. I cannot see an inch further. I stumble and hold out my hands to catch my fall. I shout but no voice comes out. I listen but no sound wavers. I look but no vision flickers. I can feel a tight knot in my throat. A throbbing in my chest. A heaviness in my head. Fear? No this wasn’t it. I look back trying to find the path I had come from but there’s only the whiteness of the void waiting for me. They say it’s the dark that makes you blind. Today, I had experienced otherwise.

With my head held high,
with my hopes on the fly,
I inch forward,
with noone to guide me by

I wish I knew
Of my impending doom
Down I went
With a shattering boom

Into the deep hole I fell
Down the never ending ditch
Little did i know I had fallen
Down the dark side of love.

The dark side of love? How could something so bright, so hopeful, so white have a dark side? It wasn’t hatred. No. It wasn’t a darkness. But it was like a burning candle. A bright light that falls on your face. But as you try to grab it, it burns. It burns the very flesh of your body. The searing pain going all the way to your heart. Making you feel like a thousand bolts of electricity are coursing through your veins instead of blood. The pain isn’t constant. Neither is it temporary. But it comes in jolts. After several moments. One moment you feel vacant, empty, emotionless. The other you feel like a vacuum consuming you from inside. A black hole at the very centre of your existence.

It’s painful to feel so immensely about something yet unable to get to it. It’s like a door. The closer you get. The farther it goes. Love isn’t supposed to hurt. It isn’t supposed to open up wounds. It isn’t supposed to slash and burn. Yeah it doesn’t. But the dark side of love does.

Down there deep in the ditch I lay. Looking at the tiny light high above me. Beckoning me. Calling me. But I cannot get out.

Life’s like this. There are times when you fall in love either with the wrong person or with someone you cannot spend your life with. And then you fall down this ditch unable to get out on your own. You wait for someone to pull you out. But who really cares. People walk by. Looking down on you and move ahead. The waiting clock ticks from days to months to even years. And all you can do is wait for a saviour that may never come. Sitting there silently as you soul slowly crumbles to dust. As your being soundlessly shatters to nothingness.