I’ve been away for a long while. Away from writing. Away from the world. Not physically ofcourse. Sometimes you need to take a step back from the world to figure out what lies in your own deep silence. The words you never utter. The feelings you never feel. Sometimes its not the silence of the voice that you need to break but the silence of your own soul that has been neglected for long. What i learned of it? That is a story for another time.
I was skimming through my blog a few moments back and started thinking why i specifically chose “silence” as the word to express. The reason lies in my past. A past that we all share. A past of shutting ourselves out, clamping down our voices living in a fear. Silence rules us all even if we don’t realize it. Let me show you how.
When i say i’m a silent person what comes to your mind? That I don’t speak much? That I don’t voice my thoughts? You’re right. But partially. Silence is not only of words, but of action, of the will to do what must be done, of the will to overcome your fears and take the leap of faith. I think but I do not act. That’s why I’m silent. I say but my actions do not back what I say. That’s why I’m silent. I feel emotions but i clamp them down. That’s why I’m silent. I’m walking down the road in a hurry to get to my office and I see a man slip and fall. I think I must help him. But I keep walking because I’m in a hurry. I stayed silent. I walk into my office. My colleague asked me to help him with a problem. I tell him I’m busy but i surely will later on. I didn’t. I stayed silent. My boss comes up to me and tells me he’ll give me a bonus if I do a work of his that’s illegal. I feel it’s wrong on a multitude of levels. But regardless I do his work. I want money. But I stayed silent. Again. So you see, silence rules us in all walks of our life. In the feelings we feel, the words we utter, the actions we do.
Silence is not only of the outer voice but of the inner voice too that keeps on nagging us all our lives. How many times in life have you suffered losses because you ignored that tiny voice in your subconscious whispering to you “Hey I don’t think this is right” or “Hey lets do it this way”. We shut it out. Dismissing it as our fears. Or the voice of naivete. We trust in the voice of reason so much that we silence our voice of belief. Beliefs and faith they are a strong force. Only if we learned how to put our trust in them.
And that is how my journey started. A journey to end the silences of my life. Bit by bit. I started off with listening to what my subconscious said instead of ignoring it. I firmly believe our hearts never lead us astray. Then i went on ending the silence of my feelings, my emotions. The reason i started writing. After that i moved on towards ending the silence of my words. That’s hard. Still working on it. But the hardest part is ending the silence of your soul. This is a long journey. A very long one.
Before we move on to exploring the realms that each person hides within themselves I believe we must first explore ours. Break our barriers, extend the limits that bind us and end our silences. Only then, can we hope to fully understand other people in our lives.
The answer to our questions, lies within our own silence.
Just break it!
Walls! No. Not the ones you encounter daily. Walking down an alley and hitting a solid bricked dead end. Not the ones that surround the boundaries of your home. Not the ones you can physically see, touch and feel.
These reside inside. Hidden. Away from the eyes of the onlooker. The ones surrounding your inner self. Protecting the various circles of your being. Wherein each circle different people in your life reside. Each facing a wall restricting the access to the inner circle. They are built unconsciously. With instincts. And as life goes by, the more perils we face, the more broken expectations we encounter, the more setbacks we have, the stronger these walls get, the higher they rise. And this whole is an involuntary process without even our own knowing until someone knocks at your door, trying to help you out of your cave and you realize that you are blocked from inside out. Every way barred. Neither people can get in, nor you can get out.
“Lets weave a web of lies…
For all those who pass me by…
Let them watch from beyond…
My truths silently die…”
But the purpose of walls alludes my understanding at times. Why do we build walls around ourselves? To stop others from getting in or to stop ourselves from going out? Perhaps its both. But then at times life has different plans for you. No matter how many defenses you build. No matter how many doors you lock. No matter how many fences you put. Sometimes, someone out there somewhere is able to break through all your barriers and you can never know until they sit at the very center of the innermost circle of your soul and then you start feeling a change within. And then its from the inside that one by one the defenses start falling down and you feel unprotected, naked in the world. A strange feeling it is. You feel completed. No longer needing those barriers you put up. No longer putting up illusions to hide yourself. No longer pretending to be something you are not. No longer trying. Trying to fake yourself. Trying hard for your own self. Because after that its never about you any longer. Even your very existence isn’t about you. Its never the same then. Your emotions, your feelings, your truths, your lies, your struggles, nothing remains yours. Your life seems focused. Focused onto the very center of your soul. The point from where the light emits consuming your whole essence. Bathing it in a soothing calmness, a feeling of home, a sense of security. It changes your whole aura.
I seem to be getting out of words to describe it. I haven’t even done justice to it. But perhaps its more of how you feel it than how you cast it down in words. Its how you start viewing everything differently.
There’s a white mist all around me. I cannot see an inch further. I stumble and hold out my hands to catch my fall. I shout but no voice comes out. I listen but no sound wavers. I look but no vision flickers. I can feel a tight knot in my throat. A throbbing in my chest. A heaviness in my head. Fear? No this wasn’t it. I look back trying to find the path I had come from but there’s only the whiteness of the void waiting for me. They say it’s the dark that makes you blind. Today, I had experienced otherwise.
With my head held high,
with my hopes on the fly,
I inch forward,
with noone to guide me by
I wish I knew
Of my impending doom
Down I went
With a shattering boom
Into the deep hole I fell
Down the never ending ditch
Little did i know I had fallen
Down the dark side of love.
The dark side of love? How could something so bright, so hopeful, so white have a dark side? It wasn’t hatred. No. It wasn’t a darkness. But it was like a burning candle. A bright light that falls on your face. But as you try to grab it, it burns. It burns the very flesh of your body. The searing pain going all the way to your heart. Making you feel like a thousand bolts of electricity are coursing through your veins instead of blood. The pain isn’t constant. Neither is it temporary. But it comes in jolts. After several moments. One moment you feel vacant, empty, emotionless. The other you feel like a vacuum consuming you from inside. A black hole at the very centre of your existence.
It’s painful to feel so immensely about something yet unable to get to it. It’s like a door. The closer you get. The farther it goes. Love isn’t supposed to hurt. It isn’t supposed to open up wounds. It isn’t supposed to slash and burn. Yeah it doesn’t. But the dark side of love does.
Down there deep in the ditch I lay. Looking at the tiny light high above me. Beckoning me. Calling me. But I cannot get out.
Life’s like this. There are times when you fall in love either with the wrong person or with someone you cannot spend your life with. And then you fall down this ditch unable to get out on your own. You wait for someone to pull you out. But who really cares. People walk by. Looking down on you and move ahead. The waiting clock ticks from days to months to even years. And all you can do is wait for a saviour that may never come. Sitting there silently as you soul slowly crumbles to dust. As your being soundlessly shatters to nothingness.
You are walking down the lane with your head held low. And suddenly you look up and see a pair of eyes staring at you. And you get lost in the depth of those deep black wells. You see yourself falling down a familiar hole. Like you know every crevice and crack in it. You know every bulge and depression of the walls. You know how deep the well is and how wide it is. You know every inch of it.
You know that person so well that just a look on their face and you know what they are feeling. You can understand their silence. You listen what they don’t say. You understand what they don’t convey. You delve down the memory lane. A stream of black and white images loop before your eyes. Moments. Happy ones, sad ones, laughter, tears, the hourly talks, the long walks, the fights and the reunites. You see life. Life as it “was”.
Suddenly the person standing next to you waves his hand in front of your eyes.
“Hey im talking to you. Where are you lost?”
And the stream ends. You pop out of the dark well like a vacuum pulling you out. And as you walk out you start to see that everything about that well has changed. The familiarity gone. The place alien to you. Everything’s different. You are wrenched back to reality.
You look again. And you realise that the entrance to the well is actually barred. Huge walls stand erect. The eyes seem empty to you. An air of strangeness hangs. You try to feel a felling that you cannot feel. The feeling of being close. Its like you go back to an old house where you had once lived and you realise suddenly that you have lost its key. There’s no way in. You stand outside wondering what has changed inside. You try to look through the windows and under the doors and all you see is a darkness that you cannot pierce.
And then they pass you by without a glint of recognition. You refuse to look back for the fear you might lose yourself in places you know nothing about anymore.
Familiar Strangers in our midst. Yes! They exist. Strangers we once knew. Strangers we once were close to. You go from being strangers to someone you know, to being friends and to being closest friends. And then time takes it’s toll. The reverse starts. From closest friends to strangers the journey begins. Slow, painful and torturous. And it all leaves you thinking. Leaves you wondering with one question. How can someone whom you know more than they know themselves and they know you more than you know yourself, become total strangers?
The world is strange
A place so eerie
You walk by places
You once knew so dearly
Familiar faces hide behind masks
The masks of complete strangers
Eyes shut and mouths stitched
A darkness heavily pitched
The sands of time fall by
As autumns and springs come and go
You realise a lot you have missed
For their lie familiar strangers in our midst
My hands quiver. My pen wavers. My thoughts uncertain. I feel empty once again. Lost and empty. My insides feel on fire. Crumbling all in its path and moving on to the outside. i want it to burn. Burn what lies outside. Burn all that lives around me. And perhaps in the dark black center of the burning flame, in the wake of destruction it leaves behind, in the screaming of my burning soul, in the smell of my burning flesh, in the ecstasy of the agony it gives, in the beauty of the phoenix of the red fire, ill find my peace. My eternal peace.
Peace? After all these years i dont even know what that means. The sound alien to me. The meaning lost. I look at the candle burning. Its flame still. Wavering, but holding. Was that peace? The yellow giving way to orange. The orange turning to red. And finally the red being consumed by the black. The sheer beauty of it leaves me in awe. The calmness it radiates. But perhaps i was seeing it wrong. The colors. The flame. Peace wasn’t the yellowness turning into a dark blackness. It was the darkness being pierced by the coloured lights. And perhaps thats what i needed in life. A change of perspective.
My fingers inch forward .Trying to grab it. I couldn’t get it. Why not grab it? Yikes. It burns. What is this searing pain i feel shooting through my fingertips going all the way up? I thought I was numb. How can I feel this pain now? Why do I? All i want is peace for myself. It isnt too much to ask for. But then again its one of the tragedies of life. Things lie just before u. Out their to be held, to be taken. But an invisible barrier bars ur way. Always. U reach out and the forcefield drives your hand back. You stagger. You fall. Yet you rise and hold out your hand again. And the endless cycle goes on. The cycle of life.
Theres a deep silence inside me
The silence of void deep within
I hoped for a hope that never came by
For a dream that i never dreamt
The bearings of a great storm
A red lining on the horizon
Dark clouds rising above
A ditch dug down below
I long for a peace
The peace for a broken mind
These shattered edges of the mirror
A torture i want to leave behind
It sticks like a leech
Sucking my life bit by bit
Until none is left therein
A smoking candle that once lit
I call for a saviour
To reignite the diminishing flame
But who dare answer
For this is but just a life’s game
I hold onto my mere hopes
Like a drowning person to burning ships
For its just a matter of time
When all will be fire and ashes
Imagine being the master of your own world. imagine having the power, the control, the will guiding your surroundings bending them to how u want them to be. Imagine having a world where there is noone but you and yourself.
Im too tired of being strong. Im too tired of this shroud that engulfs my whole being trying to appear to the world what im not. Im too tired of watching all the faces torturing me. I want a way out. A place far. Far yet near to it all. And there it lies. Deep in the darkest corners of my brain. This world that ive created. A home. A refuge. My heavenly abode among all the hell. I walk through the thick shrubbery. The dense foliage of old trees. Trying to find my way past.This maze of trees is my life. Old, battered, forgotten they just stand their biding their time since eternity to an eternity. A lifelong torture of being rooted to the very same spot unable to move on. Yet tiny streaks of light filtered through the canopy of what lush green leaves were left alive. Was that Hope? What is this golden circle that illuminates my very being, wherever it touches? How can light pierce through the darkness? The darkness that is my soul. No. i hate it. I want to run. I want to hide. Away from light of hope that pierces the darkness of despair and fulfills the dreams you dream your whole life. I ask myself why? Why wont i let hope guide my soul? Why give up on my dreams? Silence is what welcomes me everytime. I look down at the crumpling yellowed leaves dotting my path. The sound of them being crushed feels like a hammer shattering the mirrors around my heart leaving it vulenrable. i run. i duck. i jump. ive reached the very center. A large pool. In the very center of the thicket of trees i had just burst out of. Waves thrashed inside the pool. A chaos. A torture. Restlessness. I walk on the water. Making my way to the large leaf floating in the center of the pool. i sit down cross legged. My hands on my knees. I close my eyes. The syncing starts. The water was the state of my mind. I had to calm it somehow. It was my world. I was the master here. And slowly the din of the waves vanishes into a peaceful silence. I take a deep breath. The damp soil, the dew on the leaves, the calm water, what refreshing smells. I open my eyes. Green, peaceful, and silent. Perfection. Simply perfection. My mind feels at ease. Like a shadow has disappeared. An unseen burden thrown off. A strange feeling of lightness cradles my head lullabying it into a sleep of bliss. Here, i cant drown. Here, i cant fall. Here i stay above the waters, fighting, winning. Here, i cant lose.
I sit here, staring at the blank page. Waiting for the thoughts to come pouring out. Waiting to blacken the the whiteness of the page with the darkness of my life. But my silence blocks me. My hands betray me. My thoughts leave me. How can i make the river flow after holding it back for what seems like ages? I feel like I’ve lost the ability to speak. Like I’ve forgotten how to express. There’s nothing but a shroud of a ravaging silence that surrounds my being. But they say there’s a silence before a great storm. The world seems at peace before it breaks into a turmoil. Maybe this is what I feel right now. A volcano brewing up inside. A volcano of words. A lava of emotions. Ready to burst out any time.
Throughout your whole life you keep on piling your feelings, your emotions, your sorrows, your moments of happiness, your moments of bliss. You take everything and dump them inside the big black box that dwells deep down your being. You have words that need to be spoken, yet words that are unheard. Feelings you want to feel, yet you don’t know how. Emotions you want to let out, yet no one to cup their hands and hold the flowing river. And as time passes by you put up walls on the outside. Masks on your face. Veils on your being. You appear strong as a stone on the outside, yet inside, slowly you crumble and fall. The poison inside the black box silently seeps out. Coursing through your veins paralysing your ability to feel any more. And all because of a silence that couldn’t be broken. All because of words that couldn’t be said.
My tale goes on. As life goes on. This cave suffocates me now. The darkness haunts me. Im living on the outside. But inside, the me is dying. Slowly, Silently it withers away. It just fades away.
“Will i fade away Like a flame burnt out? I am, but a shadow of myself A memory that long blacked out The bridge is destroyed The rubble nowhere to be found Like a song that ends Ill fade away, into the background”