For long i had seen this coming
The day I must say my goodbyes
And off you go, forever out of my life
Never to look back, stop and think
Of a heart, that you never saw sink
Yet, here i am, standing on the brink
Of this abyss that I’m about to fall in
Not wanting to let go, bear this intoxicating pain
How can i face the truth and stop being so naive?
Tell me, how can I forsake this love, that kept me alive?
Walls, masks, distractions, layer upon layer i built
These ravaging waves of anguish i silently slit
But nothing was enough, my sturdy walls inadequate
When it came to keeping you out, my mind just quit
All its efforts in vain, all its defenses slain
I’ve tried being numb, I’ve tried being cold
I’ve tried to let go, I’ve tried loosening my hold
I’ve tried to forget, I’ve tried to move on
To find a new way, to find a lasting cure
I’ve tried, I’ve tried all this while you’ve been gone
Today as i sit and ink this last goodbye
I realize how it is and it will forever be
After all this time and always
You’ll be Lily and I’ll be Snape
I hope, I pray, May you find the love of your James
I stand in the middle of the dance floor.
Hand in hand as i grip your waist and your waltzing soul.
Slowly, rhythmically we walk the steps
The world around me just a blurry mess
But for your face that holds my sight
With its mesmerizing glowing light,
I sit there across you, on a rooftop mess
The rustling wind swaying your red dress
A burning candle, a red rose
Is all that sits between us
A conversation without words, a quiet game
Silently we just sit and stare
On a sandy beach, on a stormy night
I want to sit, holding you close and tight
Looking out over the horizon, the angry sea
Your anchor in this chaos, is all I want to be
As the waves rise relentlessly to meet the moon
I look at you, knowing I won’t suffer like they do
To live young, to grow old
Together we travel life’s long road
The hardships that block, the joys that bless
To conquer each moment, to never part
This is how I want to be with you
Every day, every night, being each other’s light
It’s been long since I saw you last
In the mist, your fading laugh
The echoes of the melodies you sung
Deep into my my ears they rung
The voice of regret over what I had done
I stood and watched you go
A broken trust, an empty vow
I wished you’d turn and glance
Melt my cold heart and my stern stance
I longed for a last look, that never came
Here I sit deep within my shadows
Trying to look past this looming darkness
Thinking how well you fared
Out in the world, being loved and cared
Or was it an illusion, of my fading vision?
I hate this silence, I hate the quiet
You left behind this great void
Why create the space you never intended to fill?
To pierce these walls, destroy and leave
All along was that your will?
I leave the door open each night
In hopes you’d come by and see this sight
Of a heart fighting it’s battles
To live, to hope and never lose its light
Come home, with you, these halls were so bright
Source: Happy Valentine’s Day
Hello my dearest friend
How do you do
In a world so cold and bent
I see a sadness in your eyes
Like they’re tired of saying goodbyes
Let my words carry away your strifes
This pain of yours like stabbing knives
Let me calm and soothe your aching heart
Just sit back, relax and stare at the stars
It’s time I do my part.
I just want you to know.
That i’ll never leave you alone
When you can’t seem to find your way
And it’s too dark to see even in the day
I’ll be your light that’ll guide you home
I will stand at a distance.
Not too near, yet not too far
Always there behind the curtain fall
Standing here on a minutes call
To pick you up, should you ever fall
When you find everyone in your life gone
And life becomes too hard to live on your own
Look to your right and you’ll see me
I’ll be walking besides you and forever be
For I’ll never leave you alone.
Look in the mirror and tell me what you see
Who you are or who you wanna be?
Do you see all your flawed sections?
Or one being made of perfect imperfections?
Look closely my dear and don’t just see
Look deep in those unmoving eyes
The gates to the center of your soul
They reveal a kind, gentle self
Shrouded by a stern heartless mask
Look beyond the layers behind which you hide
Listen to the sound of your unmoving lips
They tell a tale of a beautiful chaos
Of the ditches you fell, the peaks you rose
Hear hear they speak, of dreams and hopes
Somethings overtime, you seem to have lost
Feel the rise and fall of your chest
Feel the beats of your heart that never rest
It yearns for a love, a never ending care
But do you know for whom it waits?
You, who stands before, with his true self bare
I’ve been away for a long while. Away from writing. Away from the world. Not physically ofcourse. Sometimes you need to take a step back from the world to figure out what lies in your own deep silence. The words you never utter. The feelings you never feel. Sometimes its not the silence of the voice that you need to break but the silence of your own soul that has been neglected for long. What i learned of it? That is a story for another time.
I was skimming through my blog a few moments back and started thinking why i specifically chose “silence” as the word to express. The reason lies in my past. A past that we all share. A past of shutting ourselves out, clamping down our voices living in a fear. Silence rules us all even if we don’t realize it. Let me show you how.
When i say i’m a silent person what comes to your mind? That I don’t speak much? That I don’t voice my thoughts? You’re right. But partially. Silence is not only of words, but of action, of the will to do what must be done, of the will to overcome your fears and take the leap of faith. I think but I do not act. That’s why I’m silent. I say but my actions do not back what I say. That’s why I’m silent. I feel emotions but i clamp them down. That’s why I’m silent. I’m walking down the road in a hurry to get to my office and I see a man slip and fall. I think I must help him. But I keep walking because I’m in a hurry. I stayed silent. I walk into my office. My colleague asked me to help him with a problem. I tell him I’m busy but i surely will later on. I didn’t. I stayed silent. My boss comes up to me and tells me he’ll give me a bonus if I do a work of his that’s illegal. I feel it’s wrong on a multitude of levels. But regardless I do his work. I want money. But I stayed silent. Again. So you see, silence rules us in all walks of our life. In the feelings we feel, the words we utter, the actions we do.
Silence is not only of the outer voice but of the inner voice too that keeps on nagging us all our lives. How many times in life have you suffered losses because you ignored that tiny voice in your subconscious whispering to you “Hey I don’t think this is right” or “Hey lets do it this way”. We shut it out. Dismissing it as our fears. Or the voice of naivete. We trust in the voice of reason so much that we silence our voice of belief. Beliefs and faith they are a strong force. Only if we learned how to put our trust in them.
And that is how my journey started. A journey to end the silences of my life. Bit by bit. I started off with listening to what my subconscious said instead of ignoring it. I firmly believe our hearts never lead us astray. Then i went on ending the silence of my feelings, my emotions. The reason i started writing. After that i moved on towards ending the silence of my words. That’s hard. Still working on it. But the hardest part is ending the silence of your soul. This is a long journey. A very long one.
Before we move on to exploring the realms that each person hides within themselves I believe we must first explore ours. Break our barriers, extend the limits that bind us and end our silences. Only then, can we hope to fully understand other people in our lives.
The answer to our questions, lies within our own silence.
Just break it!